


they show their truth one single time (they lie and they lie and they lie)

by gnarleyquinn



Category: The Haunting of Hill House (TV 2018), The Haunting of Hill House - Shirley Jackson
Genre: 5+1, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coming Out, F/F, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Slurs, basically i have a lot of feelings about theo crain and here they are, by way of extreme teen angst!, theo character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:15:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27122356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gnarleyquinn/pseuds/gnarleyquinn
Summary: “What?” Her expression is fierce, but Theo speaks softly, as if speaking too loudly would spill the truth out all over in a way that couldn’t be cleaned up.“Did that boyhurtyou?” Her mother repeats herself, emphasizing each word to get her point across.
Relationships: Theodora "Theo" Crain/Trish Park
Comments: 38
Kudos: 187





	they show their truth one single time (they lie and they lie and they lie)

**Author's Note:**

> cw for homophobia, slurs, and slight violence.
> 
> I've always been interested in how Theo's coming out would have gone if Hill House never happened and this is the result!

**_v._ **

“Stay away from my sister.” 

Theo clenches a fist as Steve’s voice booms from behind her.

Theo doesn’t like it when Steve gets in her business. Scratch that. Theo doesn’t like it when _anyone_ gets in her business, but she especially doesn’t like it when Steve gets in her business.

It’s just not his fucking business.

“I can handle it, Steve.” She doesn’t turn to face him, her gaze instead falling to the ground. The heat waves from the September sun are visible on the asphalt.

Daniel Conley’s shoes are ugly as _fuck_ , she thinks.

“Yeah, Steve,” Daniel says, “Little sis here doesn’t need us guys for _anything_ , I guess.”

Not as ugly as his personality, at least. 

“What’s it matter to you anyway, huh, Danny?” Theo asks, “You got a crush on me? That it?”

She makes eye contact that time, but the look in Daniel’s eye frightens her a bit, more than she’d care to admit. She breaks it for a second, hoping her smirk is enough to make her look a little more mean. 

“Theo, just go, I can handle this.” Steve tries to grab her but she shakes him off. 

“Don’t touch me.” She pulls away from Steve a bit, in the process bumping into Daniel. 

“Hands off, _dyke_!” 

Before Theo knows what’s happening she’s on the ground and her collar bones are burning where Daniel’s hands had shoved her. She’s stunned for a moment, she didn’t think he would _actually_ try to hurt her, but he did. She sees red as she looks back up to Steve staring dumbfounded at her and Daniel fuming, and before either of them can stop her she curls her right hand into a fist and stands, hooking Daniel square in the jaw. 

“You fucking bitch.” He croaks out, and Theo just looks at Steve, and quirks her eyebrows as she brushes past the both of them.

“I told you I could handle it.” 

“Theo, wait!”

“Stay out of my shit, Steve.” 

“I won’t,” he follows her from where they were hidden behind the school, “I’m your older brother. Let me protect you.”

“I don’t _need_ protection,” she whips around fast, Steve stopping short in his tracks so he doesn’t bump into her, “I can take care of myself.”

She winces as her fists curl again, the throbbing of her right set of knuckles finally setting in. She turns from him quickly and walks through a side door back into the school, rushing into a girl’s bathroom before Steve can follow her. She locks it when she hears him start banging and she leans back against the door, letting out a shaky breath as she takes a moment to go over the situation. 

She was meeting Trish out back after school. They kissed. Trish left, and then Daniel showed up. 

_Dyke_. He kept calling her that. 

She fucking hates that word. 

And then Steve showed up and the whole thing turned into a shit storm. She looks down at her knuckles. They’re already bleeding and she knows that trying to move her fingers would be pointless. 

“ _Fuck_.” She mutters under her breath. Steve’s knocking stopped, so she assumes he left. She rocks back against the door before peeling off and heading to a sink. She debates for a moment whether to use hot or cold water, but she’d rather numb the pain than clean the cut so she goes with cold. Her fingers twitch as she shoves her hand under the cool stream, and the water running through the deep cut across her knuckles makes her hiss. 

Her phone vibrates in her back pocket and she grabs a paper towel to dry her hands before reaching for it. Her knuckle won’t stop bleeding, so she presses the paper towel on it. 

**Steve (4:46 PM):** I haven’t left yet if you still want a ride.

 **Theo (4:47 PM):** go, i’ll walk home.

 **Steve (4:47 PM):** What if Daniel’s still outside? Let me take you home.

 **Theo (4:48 PM):** he won’t be. either way i’m not getting in your car. 

She stares at her phone for the next few minutes waiting for Steve’s response. She knows he’s just trying to help, but sometimes he can’t understand that she just doesn’t want it. 

**Steve (4:51 PM):** Mom’s going to ask me where you are.

 **Theo (4:52 PM):** and? i’m at school, and i got caught up with something and i’m walking home. there’s nothing to ask about. i’ll see you at home.

She turns off her phone and puts it back into her pocket. Her hand is throbbing even more from texting and she can tell it’s starting to swell. _Mom_. She didn’t even think about her. Dad is oblivious, he won’t even think twice about whatever Theo tells him, but Mom, she’s too intuitive. 

If Steve says anything she’s going to rip his fucking throat out. With her bad hand.

She huffs a bit at the inconvenience of it all and unlocks the bathroom door, the loud click of the gears echoing in the empty room. She shoves open the clunky door and exits into the hallway, starting the long trek back home.

When she arrives, she makes note to shove her right hand into the pocket of her sweatshirt as she enters the kitchen. Mom is getting dinner ready and Theo knows it’s her night to set the table but the thought of having to sit there and eat and hide her hand and glare at Steve and tell Dad about her day when it _sucked_ is too much. 

“Theo?” 

She looks up. Her mom is watching her with that _look_ and it makes her hand twitch in her pocket. 

“I’m um, not feeling well,” She clears her throat, “I think I’m going to skip over dinner tonight.” 

She nods to herself, as if that alone is justification for lying to her mom, but what is she supposed to say? “Hey Mom, the guys at school hate me because I won’t date them, and the girls hate me because they think I want to date them. By the way, I am dating one. A girl. And I had to punch a guy square in the jaw because he caught us kissing and didn’t like it-”

“Oh sweetie, do you want me to take your temperature?” 

Her mom pauses, the pot of what Theo knows is going to be Steve’s favorite stew retired gently on the counter. 

If _Steve_ got to pick dinner then _Steve_ should have to fucking set the table anyway. 

She notes the way her mom’s hand reaches forward along the kitchen counter, stopping abruptly when she realizes that she’s reaching out for a touch that won’t be reciprocated. 

Theo can’t remember the last time she let her mom hug her. 

“No, it’s more of a stomach thing. I’ll probably feel better after laying down for a while.” 

“Okay,” Her mom smiles that smile that always comes after that look, and Theo feels the throbbing of her fist pounding in her heart, “I’ll keep a plate warm for you in case you feel hungry later. The twins can set the table tonight, so why don’t you go on and lay down.” 

Theo nods. “Thanks.” 

“I’ll come check up on you after dinner.” 

She nods again and makes her exit. She knows her mom wanted to say more, would have said more. Theo can’t deal with that. She doesn’t want to hurt her more than she already does. She wills herself not to cry before reaching her bedroom door, and she accidentally knocks into Steve as she speeds down the hallway. 

“Theo, wait-”

Fuck Steve. 

She lets a tear fall as her bedroom door slams shut. 

_**iv.** _

“ _Fuck._ ” Theo curses as her phone vibrates on the dresser. 

**Trish (6:48 PM):** On my way!

Theo wouldn’t call herself high maintenance, but she definitely could use more time than the distance between Trish’s house and hers to be ready. 

She’s about to apply mascara when there’s a knock on her door. 

“Who is it?” She calls out.

“Me.” 

She hears the gentle voice of her mom and quickly finishes her eyelashes before opening the door. 

“Yeah?” She doesn’t mean for it to come out rude, she hopes it doesn’t, but sometimes her mom flinches when she talks. As if she’s afraid Theo will say something so terrible that it’ll ruin her. 

Theo’s afraid of that, too. 

“I mean, I’m just finishing getting ready. My friend is going to be here soon.” 

“Where are you going again?” 

Theo hesitates for a moment. She doesn’t want her parents to know about Trish’s existence yet. Not even as a living, breathing, human. It’s too risky. On the other hand, she’s tired of lying. What harm would them knowing her name do?

“I’m going to a study group for stats,” _Lie._ “We have a big test on Thursday,” _True._ “My friend Trish is driving me.” _Not technically a lie._

Mom eyes her for a moment but seems to accept it. Theo wants to release the breath she was holding, but she can’t, not yet. 

“What time do you think you’ll be back?”

Theo checks her phone. 

_6:55 PM._

“Probably around ten,” Theo says, “If that’s okay with you and dad.” 

Her mom cocks her head and smiles.

“As long as you get an A on that test you can stay out as late as you want. Just remember you have school tomorrow.” 

The same moment Theo nods her head her phone dings. She looks down to a text from Trish.

 **Trish (6:57 PM):** Here!

“Um, my ride’s here.” 

“Alright,” Her mom says, “Just be safe. Call me if you need anything.” 

“I will.” Theo gives her mom a tight-lipped smile and slips past her as she heads to the front door. 

She pretends not to notice when her mom’s mouth quickly opens and closes shut, words Theo yearns for but doesn’t will her mom to say.

“See you later,” her mom calls after her instead. She knows she won’t feel hurt by no response.

_**iii.** _

“Your room is cute.” 

Theo blushes as Trish walks around her room. It’s adorned in old photographs and band posters from when she went through her punk phase, and the light lilac walls don’t do anything to uphold the more matured, badass image that she _tries_ goes for these days, but it’s her. Her bedroom walls are the only walls she has that don’t hide the true her, she thinks. 

“Thank you.” Theo leans back on her bed, eying Trish as she stops in front of the bulletin board. Trish is so fucking pretty.

“Hey, what’d you get on that math test? I never asked.” Trish turns from the photos she’d been looking at, and Theo can’t help but stare at her in awe. Trish’s cheeks flush red red when she notices Theo’s gaze. “What?” She asks.

“You’re so pretty.” 

Trish blushes even harder, if possible, a smile blooming across her face and Theo’s heart swells at the sight. 

“Not too bad yourself,” Trish says. She sits down on the bed next to Theo. “Test?”

“Aced it.” Theo turns to look at her, finding Trish’s head already turned toward her. 

“Yeah?” Trish smiles, her body slowly inching toward Theo. 

“Yeah.” Theo says, finding herself doing the same. Their lips are just about to connect when there’s a knock on her bedroom door. They lock eyes.

“Welcome to the Crain residence.” Trish bites her lip as Theo pulls away, Theo’s smile dissipating as she faces the door. 

_Fucking Crain Residence._

She cracks open the door, peering out into the hallway to find Nell. She cracks the door open a little wider. 

“Mom said to tell you that dinner is almost ready,” Nell tries to peek through into the bedroom, but Theo moves to block her view. Nell lowers her voice, “Is she here?”

“Hey, Nell!” Theo rolls her eyes as Trish shouts from her spot on the bed, but can’t help but crack a smile as Nell laughs. 

“Tell Steve that if he says _anything,_ I’ll slit his fucking throat.” 

“Will do.” Theo can tell that Nell is trying to hold in a smirk. Nell never takes her seriously. 

“Bye, Nell.” Theo pushes Nell’s forehead away from the door and slams it shut, just barely hearing the muffled, “Be down in five minutes!” from behind the wooden frame. She turns her back to the door, leaning against it, hands behind her back.

“So, where were we?” 

She smirks as Trish stands up from the bed and makes her way over. 

“I believe,” Trish reaches out for Theo, “We were just about to go have dinner with your family.” She reaches past Theo and grabs the doorknob, cracking the door open just enough to bump Theo off of it. 

“Or,” Theo grabs Trish’s hand, “We could just skip dinner and make out all night.” 

“You’re only saying that because you’re nervous,” Trish finds Theo’s eyes as she tries to duck her head. 

“Let me meet them,” Trish says softly.

“You already know them.” Theo tries to argue, but it falls flat as Trish gives her a pointed look. _Them_. As in mom and dad. Theo huffs.

“Ladies first.” 

When they get downstairs, Luke and Steve are setting the table while Nell helps Mom and Dad get the rest of the food ready. 

“Wow,” Trish whispers, “It’s a whole family affair, isn’t it.” 

“It’s fucking hell, is what it is.” 

Trish laughs under her breath, the sound hearty as she nudges a reluctant Theo further into the kitchen. Theo tries not to stare in awe as Trish effortlessly introduces herself.

They sit down for dinner and it’s almost scary how perfectly Trish fits in, how excited Mom and dad are to meet her and how well they all get along. She watches Mom and Trish interact and feels a pang through her heart because it’s so nice, but it’s not real. And once it is real, it won’t be nice. It can’t be, she thinks. 

And then when Trish leaves, Mom hugs her, and Theo’s not upset because that’s just what her mom _does_ , but she can’t take knowing that it’s probably the only time she’ll see that happen and it’s not even for the right reasons. 

She’s pacing back and forth in her room when there’s a knock on her door. She slows. 

“Come in.” She doesn’t know why she says it. She never says come in. It’s always questions first, knowing _before_ hand. She hates hindsight. It’s fucking useless.

The door opens and it’s her mom who slips in, likely surprised she was even allowed to step one foot through the door at all. She closes it behind her, and the action makes Theo’s heart race.

“Hey, Mom,” She clears her throat, “What’s up?” 

“You disappeared so quickly after dinner, we just didn’t have any time to chat.” Theo eyes her mom as she leans back against the desk by her door. “Did you have a good time?” 

“Yeah,” She speaks wearily, “Dinner was really good.” 

“Good,” Her mom looks around for a moment, looking unsure of her place in the room, “Nell and Steve are making cookies if you want to come down later for dessert.”

Theo snorts.

“Steve is making cookies?” She’s smiling, and it makes Theo’s heart swell when her mom’s eyes light up at the fact. Even if she is making fun of Steve. 

“Yeah,” Mom looks sorry as she grimaces, “You might want to skip the cookies.” 

They both laugh. It makes Theo sad. 

“Did you finish your homework?”

“I have a psych packet to finish up.”

“Alright, well, I’ll leave you to it.”

Her mom closes the door softly behind her and Theo almost wants to reach out and grab her, stop her before she disappears behind the wooden pane, but she doesn’t. 

She never does. 

_**ii.** _

“Why can’t you just tell them?” 

Theo pauses, one hand resting beside Trish’s head on the brick exterior of the school and the other grasping behind her neck. _Really?_

“You are _so_ not asking me that right now.” Theo’s voice is breathy, but she makes no attempt to recover as she leans back in for more. Trish pushes her back. 

“What?” Theo backs away.

“Why can’t you tell them?” Trish repeats, “Things went so well last night. Aren’t you tired of making out behind the school every day?” 

“That’s not fair.” 

“How so?” Trish crosses her arms. Theo’s mouth gapes. She doesn’t appreciate the attitude. 

Out of the all fucking words in the history of the universe..

 _“_ How _so_?” Theo scoffs. “Sorry if my fear of admitting a potentially life-ruining fact about myself to the people who dictate the quality of said life isn’t something I’m buzzing with excitement to do.” 

Trish slumps. “Theo...”

“No.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” 

“Then what _did_ you mean?”

Trish reaches out to grab Theo’s hand, but Theo jumps back. 

“Don’t touch me.” 

Trish’s eyes turn. 

“Okay, you know what?” 

“Enlighten me.” Theo deadpans. Trish exhales a sour laugh. 

“You’re so caught up in your own shit that you don’t see that _everyone_ around you loves you. Things get real for two seconds and you shut people out, waiting-“ 

“My business is _my_ business, Trish. I don’t need everyone crawling around in my relationship status.” 

Trish rolls her eyes and Theo knows she hit a nerve. 

“ _Your_ relationship status is also _my_ relationship status. This business is _our_ business. Okay?” 

Theo huffs, trying to find a way out of this argument with both girls satisfied. She kicks a rock against the brick of the building. 

“Even if it is _our_ business, it’s still something that I don’t want to do. End of story.” 

“No, not end of story. God, Theo, why can’t you just tell them?” 

“Because I don’t want to! How fucking hard is that to understand?” Theo huffs out her nose, the outburst causing an obvious shift in Trish. 

“The whole _school_ knows, Theo. Your brothers and sisters know. What’s two more people?”

“Three,” Theo deapans, “Shirl doesn’t know.” 

“Fine,” Trish spits, “What’s _three_ more people.”

Theo clenches a fist. Trish doesn’t get it. 

It’s not Trish’s fault, really. Trish is smart, she’s an only child, she’s the fucking _golden_ child. She couldn’t do any wrong. Theo, on the other hand, is the middle child. Dead center. Two ahead of her and two below. Shirley’s the perfect good girl, the _gifted_ kid. She had an accelerated course of study and graduated high school early. She’s studying business in college now, not even because she likes business, but because she “Wants to be successful, Theo”. Out of all of the Crain siblings, Shirley’s the one who’s going to make it. They all know it. Then there’s Steve. The daddy’s boy _and_ the mommy’s boy. Winning literary awards, getting perfect SAT scores, publishing stories at _just_ 18, for fuck’s sake he’s going to win a Nobel by the time he's 25! And the twins. The attention is put off you pretty fast when _two_ kids come after you. It’s like Theo herself wasn’t enough to round off the family so they had to add two entire human beings to fill out what she lacked. She knows it isn’t true, but there’s a small part of her that believes it. 

Science may not work that way, but fate does. 

But so be it. So what she’s an A and B student at best, with the occasional C. So what she waits for her siblings to finish their _extra-_ curriculars while she sits behind the school everyday, either reading, making out with her secret girlfriend, or getting into fistfights (apparently). So fucking _what_ she goes home and shuts herself in her bedroom. Yeah, maybe she makes zero effort to interact with her family, but she doesn’t see any one of them racing up the stairs to see what she’s doing. At this point she doesn’t even know if she would consider it middle child syndrome. 

Baa Baa _fucking_ Black Sheep. 

She’s come to terms with that. But that doesn’t mean she wants to give her parents another reason to see her as a screw-up. 

Still reeling with the sudden anger, her mouth starts moving before her brain can catch up, “Maybe if we want such different things we shouldn’t do this anymore.”

Trish’s eyes widen and Theo swears she can see a layer of tears beginning to form, but she looks away. 

“You want that?” Trish’s voice sounds broken, as if the last seven minutes never actually happened and Theo was just springing it on her out of the blue. 

“I-I guess so.” That’s not what she meant to say, but the ground isn’t providing her with any compelling conversational material.

Trish scoffs, this one sadder than the previous and nods to herself. 

“Alright,” She picks her bag up off the ground and hesitates for a moment before speaking again, “See you around I guess.”

Theo still doesn’t look as she walks away. 

—

She races home after the debacle (is there even a right word for a breakup like that?), the force of the front door slamming shut behind her shaking the whole frame of the house. 

“Hello?”

She hears Mom’s voice ring out, the clack of her wedges quickly moving towards the foyer. She forgot that A, Mom gets home early from work on Thursdays, and B, Theo didn’t think to wait until her siblings got home from their after school activities. 

_Way to be an exemplary student, Theo._

Theo is halfway up the stairs by the time she’s seen. 

“Theo?” Mom calls out to her, mostly in a tone of shock, but there’s also a bit of hesitancy there. Theo ignores her, sprinting the rest of the way up to her room and slams her door shut, clicking the lock as she rests her back on it. The tears fall as soon as her back hits the door. 

“ _Fuck!”_ She bounces her head off of the wood, and holds her breath in an effort to ward off the sobs that she knows want to break through. 

She hears a light knock on the door but she ignores it, squeezing her eyes as tight as they can go. 

“Theo?” Mom’s voice calls out. She pretends not to hear it. 

Suddenly the doorknob starts wriggling. 

“Theo, unlock your door!”

She rolls her eyes. 

“What do you want, Mom?” She calls out. Her voice shakes. 

“Did something happen? Unlock your door.” Her voice is muffled through the wood. 

“I’m fine,” Theo sniffs, “I just want to be alone.”

“You sound upset, unlock it.” 

“I don’t want to.” Theo grumbles. 

“I’m not asking if you _want_ to, I’m telling you to do it.” 

In the back of her mind, Theo knows she didn’t mean to get vicious, but the pressure of the day has piled up on her and Mom is the last barrier standing between her and the depression nap of the century.

“I just want to be alone.” 

“You can be alone with an unlocked door.” 

“Mom-“

“I won’t say it again, Theo.”

“God just fuck _off,_ Mom!” 

Theo’s stomach drops the moment she says it. The silence is enough for her to know she fucked up. The words themselves were enough to let her know she fucking fucked up. 

She needs to stop saying that word.

She unlocks the door almost shamefully, and avoids her mom’s eyes as she speaks. 

“Mom, I’m sorry, I didn’t-“ 

“You will leave your door open for the rest of the night.”

“Mom-“

“Let me finish.” Mom’s voice is eerily calm, and Theo’s mouth clamps shut. She ignores her gaze, wiping a silent tear that escaped. “Your door will stay open. If I find that it’s been closed, even an _inch_ , you’re grounded into the next decade. Is that understood?”

Theo’s eyes shoot up to her mother, her regretful expression turning angry. 

“That’s not fair-“ 

“You lose _fair_ the minute you come into my home thinking you can slam all the doors you want!” 

Theo rolls her eyes. They feel tight as she does it, whether from the crying or it being her hundredth eye roll of the day she isn’t sure, but she’s beginning to think that maybe the adults are right about your eyes getting stuck. 

“Theo!” 

“I’m sorry!” She blurts, “I’m just not feeling good.” She’s trying harder than anything she’s ever attempted in her entire life to steady her voice, but she knows her own autonomy is betraying her right now. She searches for her mother’s eyes, a last ditch effort at convincing the world that she’s fine. It doesn’t work.

“You haven’t been _feeling good_ for a few months now.” Mom’s face softens, her tone back to the mother she’s used to, “What’s going on?” 

“Nothing.” Theo crosses her arms across her chest. 

“It doesn’t seem like nothing.” 

“Well, it is.” She changes her glance, looking to the ground, willing for anything in the world to interrupt this moment. Anything.

Where’s Steve when you _actually_ need him?

Her mom steps forward a little, a soft touch landing on Theo’s shoulder, and she ignores the feeling of comfort she gets from her mother’s embrace. 

“Honey, if something’s bothering you, you can tell me.” She searches for Theo’s eyes, “Anything.”

Anything.

Theo’s eyes snap away. She leans away from her mother’s hand and turns to face the bed, her expression stoic. 

“I just want to take a nap! Okay?”

“No, it’s not _okay._ ” Her Mom’s voice rises to match her own, and it’s enough to make Theo turn back around, “You’ve been coming home every damn day the last few months with a frown on your face, picking fights with any person who will humor you, slamming doors, not to mention the fact that I can’t even count with both hands anymore how many times you’ve skipped dinner-”

“I’ve told you a thousand times I just don’t-”

“Feel well, yes, I know, Theo.” Her mom wipes a tear and Theo frowns, “You need to give me more than that. ‘I’m not feeling well’ doesn’t help me understand what’s going on with you when I have to worry about what you’re going to do every time you close that goddamn door on me.” Her mother chokes on the words.

Theo’s eyes widen at the implication. 

“I didn’t-I wouldn’t-” Her mouth opens and closes as she fights to find the words, but she’s not even sure what she can offer up at this point. Finally she settles. “It’s not like that.”

“Then what is it, Theo? Give me something.” Her Mom’s voice is watery and Theo has to look away as she sends the final jab. Anything is better than the truth.

“I’m not feeling well.” She spits the lie through her teeth. Her voice is quiet and unconfident, but she turns her back to both the door and her mom before she sees her reaction. Theo lays down on the bed, back still turned. She feels a tear run across the bridge of her nose as she squeezes her eyes shut. 

“Okay, well,” Theo winces at the dejected tone of her Mom’s voice, “I’ll save a plate for you in case you want to come down.”

Theo pretends not to hear her. She pretends not to hear the small creak of her bedroom door as her Mom closes it, just a crack, and she pretends she never saw her mom sleeping right outside her door when she finally wanted that plate at 3 am. 

_**i.** _

“You’re in my spot.”

Theo looks up from the book she was reading. A hulking figure—well, as hulk-y as a 17 year old high school boy can get—is doing its best to loom over her. Fucking Daniel Conley. She looks to the left and the right of her, finding nothing but empty brick wall beside her. She thinks for a second that she could just move, but she’s still in a mood from last week since Mom can barely look at her, and Steve made them late to school today which means that now she’s one strike away from a detention, so she doesn’t really have the desire to deal with her fucking _high school bully_ in the current moment. 

“Since when?” She looks into Daniel’s eyes. There’s still a light bruise along his jaw from where she punched him. 

“Since now, _faggot_.” 

She stills, slowly closing her book before standing up.

“What did you call me?” Her blood boils when Daniel smirks. 

“I think you heard me.” 

“Right,” she clucks her tongue, “You know, I’d like to _hear_ the sound of your jaw popping again. Wouldn’t you?” Theo steps up closer to him, trying her best to look intimidating even though he towers over her by at least five inches. 

_There’s a reason you didn’t get into Honor Society, Theo._

“Yeah?” He pushes her back against the brick wall. She grits her teeth as her head smacks against it **.** It’s significantly less arousing when it’s not a girl doing this to her.

“Yeah.” She speaks with conviction, but Daniel’s smile only gets bigger. 

“I don’t have all day, Crain. You wanna move?” His face is too close to hers for comfort, and she can feel his breath on her face as he speaks. She tries to calculate the various outcomes of this situation, deciding that none play out in her favor, but still, she won’t let up. She’s tired of being pushed around. 

“Lucky for me. I do have all day.” She smiles at him, cocking her head, and she feels a small burst of victory when his nostrils flare a bit. 

“I’m gonna ask you one more time,” He rests a hand beside her head, “Move.”

“I think that was actually more of a statement and less of a question. You might want to go back and rephr-”

 _Air._ Theo realizes there’s no air left in her lungs to speak, an explosion of stars clouding her vision as she doubles over, her knees hitting the asphalt feeling like clouds compared to the pain taking over her abdomen. She doesn’t know if it was his boney ass fist that hit her or one of his knees that he decided needed a boxing workout today, but what she does know is that in the future, he _really_ needs to pick on someone his own fucking size.

“ _Fuck!_ ” She grunts, only able to take in small gasps of air, wishing for _once_ she wouldn’t have the nerve to fight back.

_You run your mouth like you’re fucking Ronda Rousey. Stupid bitch._

Too busy insulting herself and not breathing, she doesn’t notice Steve approaching the pair until she hears his voice, _deja vu_ of a few weeks earlier running through her head. 

“I thought I told you not to fucking go near my sister!”

The sound is loud, and it momentarily draws Theo out of her own pain, the sight of Daniel crashing to the ground next to her, his nose pointing in a direction that she knows shouldn’t be possible. His screams echo against the brick. 

“Holy shit,” She breathes out, her gaze moving up to Steve, who is hunched over, right hand clenched in the other as he exhales heavily. Before either of them can get a word in there’s the rushed sounds of loafers hitting the concrete.

“Hey! What are you kids doing back here?”

\---

Theo’s knees throb as she shifts in the faded leather of the armchair in the principal’s office. She can feel her mom’s stare burning through the back of her head. She realizes she must’ve missed a question when she looks up to find the principal staring at her. Before she really has time to fumble, Steve comes to her rescue, hesitance clear in his voice but a glimmer in his eye that Theo recognizes from earlier. 

_Let me protect you._

“It was my fault, Theo got there after everything already happened.” Steve eyes her, pleading silently with his eyes to follow his lead and for once, she thinks he’s right. The truth is too much. 

“Theodora?” 

She resists the urge to roll her eyes at the sound of her full name. 

“I wasn’t with them when the fight started. When I got there Daniel was already on the ground.” 

The principal eyes them both for a second before sighing. 

“Very well. Theodora, you can wait outside.” He points to the door, Theo’s eyes following to the seating space outside his office. She nods, avoiding eye contact with her mother as she exits the room. She shuts the door behind her as she walks out and sits down on one of the ugly wooden chairs. 

This is bad. She knows it is. If Steve had just fucking stayed out of her way, none of this would even be happening right now. She could be home, laying in her marshmallow of a bed, watching reruns of _Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives_. She could be texting Trish about all the restaurants they’ll go to once they graduate or arguing over the best show on The Food Network, or some _stupid_ shit, but instead, she’s heartbroken and single, her brother smashed a kid’s face in, and she had to sit in the principal’s office with her mother staring her down like she brought a fucking gun to school. All because Steve _had_ to get involved. She’s pretty sure a few extra bruises would be less painful than another incident being added to Mom’s list of growing suspicions.

Even so, she can’t say a small part of her isn’t thankful that Steve showed up. He better not do it again.

The door opens suddenly, pulling Theo out of her thoughts. Steve steps out first, head hanging low, Mom trailing right behind him. Theo’s hands fall to her sides, unsure of where to move. 

“Come on, Theo.” Mom calls her over and she can’t tell what kind of infliction is in her voice, what kind of movements she’s making as they walk out to the car. They step outside and Mom hands Theo Steve’s car keys.

“Take the car home and wait for us at the kitchen table when you get back.” 

Theo grabs the keys and nods, Mom’s shortness making her feel uneasy. There’s no way she bought the story. Her hands tremble as she searches for the unlock button, and she heads in the opposite direction towards Steve’s car. 

She blasts the music on the radio in an attempt to drown out her racing mind as she drives home, and she’s a little thankful for it when she does beat Mom and Steve back. She parks in his spot and heads inside, finding Luke and Nell hanging out in the living room, which happens to be right next to the kitchen.

“Where have you been?” Nell says, noticing Theo first.

“You guys might want to go upstairs.”

“Why?” Luke turns from the TV.

“Mom is about to murder me and Steve and use us for dinner.”

Nell pulls a face. Before she can respond, their Mom walks in and drops her purse on the counter, Steve trailing behind slowly. 

“Nellie, Luke, will you two please go to your rooms?” 

Theo watches Nell and Luke trade looks, and Nell nods as the two slip silently away. Theo wills herself to turn around, just barely. 

“So,” Mom huffs, “Are either of you going to tell me what _actually_ happened after school today?” Her hand is on her hip and her eyes are a little wild, Theo hasn’t seen her like this since she caught Luke smoking pot in the 8th grade. 

She is _not_ ready to be caught up in that rage again, but still, Theo isn’t ready to be caught up in _other_ things either. 

“Steve already told you what happened.” Her words are monotone, and Theo prays she can keep a neutral mood for the remainder of the conversation. 

“You’re right,” Theo almost sighs with relief until Mom starts speaking again, “Steve told me what happened to him. Not you.” 

Theo rolls her eyes. What? She can’t help it.

“I was walking out of school when I found them, Steve already said all of this in-”

“The _truth_ , Theo.” 

“That _is_ the truth, Mom.” 

Theo gulps after the words come out of her mouth, not knowing how convincing she’s actually being. Her mom crosses her arms, and Theo knows she’s in deep shit. 

“Why are your knees skinned?” 

Theo looks down. Of course she had to wear jeans with fucking holes in the knees. She contemplates all of her options for a moment, and somehow decides on the worst one. 

“I fell.” 

Mom stares blankly back at her. 

“You fell.” She repeats. Theo can’t really tell if it’s a question or not, so she just silently nods.

“And you just happened to _fall_ right next to where your brother was getting into a fist fight?”

“I fell in gym class.” Theo’s mouth is speaking before her brain can even catch up at this point.

“So now you fell in gym class?” Mom’s tone is accusatory and makes Theo’s veins boil a little bit. She just wants this to be done with already. 

“I guess so.” Theo crosses her arms, her tone coming out short.

“Your brother punched some boy so hard in the face that he has to get reconstructive surgery, meanwhile you’re walking like someone removed one of your ribs, and you’re expecting me to believe that you _fell_ in gym class?”

“That’s what happened, I don’t know what you want from me.”

“I want you to tell me what _actually_ happened! You’ve been running in circles around me for _months_ and I just want you to tell me the truth! I don’t want some lie about you being tired, or not hungry, or that you have homework or stayed at school late! Just tell me what the hell is going on!” Her mother’s eyes are wild, and Theo feels the same energy boil up inside of her.

“I tripped!” Theo doesn’t mean to burst, but it’s happening before she can stop it, “I tripped in gym class and that’s it! What Steve does with his own free time is his own fucking prerogat-”

“Theodora Crain!” Theo’s mouth clamps shut, her nostrils flaring from the shock of the use of her full name. She’s pretty sure today in the principal’s office was the first time since birth. What comes next stuns her even more. “Did that boy hurt you?”

Theo blinks, her brain trying to reconcile with the fact that her mother is an actual human being who can come to conclusions. 

“What?” Her expression is fierce, but Theo speaks softly, as if speaking too loudly would spill the truth out all over in a way that couldn’t be cleaned up. 

“Did that boy _hurt_ you?” Her mother repeats herself, emphasizing each word to get her point across.

Theo looks down, tears threatening to spill out of her eyes, and she wills herself to stay silent. She hears Mom murmur a quiet, “Steve?”, but he doesn’t need to respond to confirm what Mom’s already figured out. 

She sees her mom’s shoes move closer to her and then there’s a hand rubbing up and down her shoulder. She still doesn’t look up. 

“What’s going on, Theo?” 

Theo bites her lip as a tear rolls down her cheek.

“I can’t be here right now.” 

She runs out of the house.

_**vi.** _

Theo shivers. 

Should’ve picked up a fucking jacket before she bailed.

She looks around, the trees surrounding the small pond blowing in the breeze, the October leaves rustling in the way that she feels. 

It’s dark. She watched the sun set, and then watched the stars come out, and now she’s watching water as if it’ll come to life if she just stares at it hard enough. 

It’s not _im_ possible, she thinks.

She watched video on youtube once of some guy who could make a tin can move with his _chi_. Some kind of meditative bullshit. She doesn’t normally believe in stuff like that, but it’s kind of like her mood is affecting the weather at the moment. And maybe the weather is just affecting her mood, but if she can spend enough time wondering if it’s possible that her physical energy can change wind and tides then she doesn’t have to think about the fact that her life just blew up in every single way possible. 

“Right.” she mutters. She can still feel the ache of her ribs, and although she doesn’t think anything’s broken, just the thought of sitting up straight sends a wave of pain throughout her body.

The sad part is, she could care less about Daniel Conley and his stupid nose and the fact that he happens to be a raging homophobe. Whatever. She would take a million more slurs, a million more hits, or whatever that boy thinks she deserves if it meant things could’ve just stayed the way they were for a little while longer. The only people she cares about in this whole mess are the ones she’s losing, and she doesn’t know how to salvage what she’s already wrecked. 

Trish? Gone.

Her mom? Hates her, probably.

“Theo?”

Steve.

Steve’s voice rings out from behind her. She doesn’t make an effort to move, and she doesn’t turn around, even if she maybe wants to. She doesn’t deserve him. She knows it.

His rushed footsteps slow as he comes to a stop beside the picnic table and Theo can hear the huff of his breath. She lets her hair fall in front of her face as she looks down. Leaves crack under Steve’s feet as he walks closer, the noise going dull when he plops down next to her. 

Theo sniffs. Steve doesn’t say a word, focusing on catching his heavy breath. 

They sit there in silence for what feels like an eternity. Theo watches the water ripple under the breeze, and she watches the foggy clouds slowly inch towards the moon. She can feel Steve’s eyes on her. 

“You should go.” Her voice is rough. There’s no point in trying to act tough now, she supposes.

“I’m not leaving.” 

She can hear in his voice that he’s telling the truth. That no matter how much she pleads with him, or insults him, or tells him to genuinely fuck off, he’s not going anywhere. It should make her feel good. It should make her feel important, and wanted, even _loved_ but, it just makes her feel worse, somehow. She doesn’t know what to say, so she doesn’t say anything. 

“Mom is worried sick,” Steve continues, “I checked like five different places before I came here. Can I at least tell her I found you?” 

Theo’s eyebrows shift downward involuntarily, and she has to bite her lip to stop the quiver as tears form in her eyes. She nods slightly, looking to the other side, out of Steve’s view. 

She hears the pads of his thumbs typing on his phone, and judging by the amount of time it takes him to stop, he definitely said a lot more than just a, “Found her.” 

She feels his own shiver when the wind picks up again, and Theo finally looks over at him. She can’t tell if his hands are bruised from the fight, or if they’re just purple from the cold. 

“You really can go. I won’t be offended.”

Steve looks surprised at the eye contact, but his gaze stays calm. Theo wishes she had more of his resolve.

“I said I wasn’t leaving and I meant it. We’ll starve out here together for all I care.”

It’s a lame attempt at a joke, and neither of them laugh. Steve never was the funny one. 

Theo shivers again. 

“Do you want my jacket?” 

“Why do you care so much?” Theo blurts the words out, causing Steve, who was in the middle of shrugging off his coat, to pause. 

“Are you serious?” He laughs a little, but stops when he notices that Theo was, in fact, serious. Theo watches his expression go from amused to annoyed. She shrugs in response.

“I guess so.” She hates that she sounds so defeated. Her usual bite is gone, replaced with something, lesser, somehow. 

“Theo-“ He cuts himself off, and Theo can tell he’s searching for the perfect response, “I’m your older brother.” 

“I know that. You remind me almost every conversation we have. It doesn’t mean you have to care.” 

They’re still making eye contact, and Theo watches as an array of emotion flashes through Steve’s eyes. 

“The fact is that I do,” He says it pointedly, like he wants his words to really hit her, and she wants them to, but..

“I just-“

“Just what?” Steve interrupts her. He hasn’t raised his voice, but she can feel his impatience. It’s like all of it pours out of him at once, the need to pound whatever is going on in his head into Theo’s too strong to subdue. “You can’t stop _fighting_ this _,_ Theo. I care about you, Mom cares about you, _Trish_ cares about you.”

Her heart plummets.

“You’re the only one who thinks you don’t deserve whatever good things life is throwing at you. Why are you so obsessed with being _miserable_?” 

That one gets her. She feels it hit, her stomach pangs in a way that’s reminiscent of where Danny had kneed her. She thinks about it, the why.

Why it’s so much easier for her to push everyone away rather than let them help. Why it’s easier to instigate rather than ignore, or to break up with someone rather than just work it out. Why it’s easier to lie to her mom rather than tell her the truth, tell her just one, simple detail. 

“If I’m in control, then I’m in control of my pain.” Her own words surprise her. “When I get hurt, at least I know it was my own doing.”

She looks over to Steve, tears pooling back in her eyes and a sad smile takes form of her face. She can feel her lip start trembling even though she desperately wills it away.

“ _Fuck,_ ” She sniffs.

“Theo,” he tries to get her attention, but she won’t look. She can’t. 

“Please just come home. Talk to Mom.”

“I don’t know what to say to her.”

“Just the truth. That’s all she wants.”

Theo looks at him. The tears are hot in her eyes and her chest feels like a ticking time bomb, her heart one beat away from exploding through her skin.

“Fine.” She blurts. 

Steve looks surprised. Honestly, Theo is too. She’s just too cold to argue anymore.

“Really?” Steve asks. He looks like he’s afraid that Theo’s going to change her mind, and she wants to, but she wont. She can feel the nerves already building up inside her, and she wishes Steve had taken his car. He needs to learn how to break the rules every once in a while. 

She nods her head, and he pauses, but gets up, she assumes before she can change her mind. The walk is longer and colder than she remembers, but when they get to the door of their house and find their mom waiting, ready with open arms full of nothing but love, Theo knows she doesn’t have to be alone anymore. 

**Author's Note:**

> ty for reading! you can find me on tumblr at daniclaytton!


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